I’ve just arrived in Perth after an amazing week in Adelaide, and although I will be posting all about my time there at a later date, I first wanted to talk about the worst part of my trip. It’s been praying on my mind ever since Saturday night and the more I tell people about what happened, the less I understand how it could possibly have happened. To put it in context, I have travelled all over the world solo to countries considered dangerous and unsafe for a girl to travel by herself. I’ve been stranded at the side of the road in Vietnam and Laos, I’ve been in seemingly dodgy tuk-tuk rides in Thailand and Cambodia, I’ve been lost in Hungary. But not once have I ever felt so unsafe in the middle of a city in a Westernised country, surrounded by people and with police patrolling the streets.
So what happened?
I was visiting a good friend of mine, who I met when I was in Asia, but sadly he had to work all week. Our one time to really hang out was Saturday night when we went out for dinner and drinks with his friends, and the Sunday when we had planned to go on a tour of the wineries. We went out for dinner as planned and then had drinks and found a place we could have a dance, eventually we all decided to call it a night. We didn’t want to be too wrecked for the next day so we decided to get a taxi home, on the way my friend wanted to show me Adelaide Oval so we took a detour to the taxi rank. As soon as we wandered down the side street, three lads looked over and shouted “slut” at me, naturally my friend told them to leave me alone.
You would have thought that would be the end of it since they were just teenagers, but if anything it spurred them on. Suddenly, all three of them launched themselves at us. My friend pushed me out of the way and I hit the deck, but all of them, plus another five lads who appeared out of nowhere went for him. Now my friend is probably around twice or three times my bodyweight, he’s a wall of pure muscle and soon to be a personal trainer. He’s not someone you pick a fight with, but when you’re drunk and eight guys attack you out of nowhere, there’s little you can do to stop them. After they all threw their punches and ran off, he was left with a huge lump on his head, a busted nose with blood pouring all over his clothes and the street, swollen lips and cuts and scratches. It was horrible.
But the worst thing?
I can appreciate that it all happened so quickly that perhaps people didn’t have time to react, but not one single person tried to jump in and help. Not one except me, I’m sure I would have just ended up hurt too so it’s probably a good thing a guy dragged me back, but at least my basic instinct was to help someone who was in danger. Afterwards, I took my friend across the street to get help, I walked into a shop to ask if the guy in there had any tissues or could help at all. He just looked at me like I was crazy and told me I could buy a packet of tissues. If this is the reaction a girl covered in blood gets on a Saturday night, it’s disgusting. I managed to steal tissues from a takeaway in the end and then on our way to jump into a taxi, I saw the police.
I headed across the road to tell them what had happened and they proceeded to interview my friend, despite the fact that he had no idea what had happened. They wouldn’t listen to what I had seen as a witness, we had to force them to listen when I could identify one of the lads who attacked my friend. It was terrible to see firsthand how little the police really care in Australia when it comes to a brutal attack like that on a busy street with witnesses everywhere, compared to traffic policing. It didn’t even seem to matter that much to the police that several other people were attacked immediately after, the lads went on a rampage up the street beating up three guys in suits, and several other small groups further along. It was clear they were just out to hurt people that night, it didn’t matter about race, gender or sexuality for once, but it did matter if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
So why am I writing about this?
Therapy mainly, this is my way of making peace with the incident even though I’m still really upset that this could happen in the middle of a well-policed Australian city. It was the most brutal, vicious, nasty attack I have seen firsthand, done in cold blood and for the stupidest reason. My friend was beaten to a pulp for trying to protect me from being verbally abused, he poured blood on the street because he was a gentleman and a good person. He is the kind of person who wouldn’t hurt a fly despite being more than capable, and it makes me incredible sad to think there are people out there who would take advantage of that simply for kicks.
I’m not naive enough to think this doesn’t happen anywhere in the world, but I do think that things like this shouldn’t be happening to innocent people just trying to make their way home in Adelaide. Perhaps nothing could have been done to stop this from happening, but the complete lack of support and help we were shown after the incident was an embarrassment to the police service in South Australia and the local people who refused to help us. Bad things happen, there’s nothing we can do about that, but we can do something about the way we react and support those who are victims. The same thing happened in the Bourke Street incident in Melbourne – so many preferred to stand and watch, or record on their phones than actually help those in need. It really is heartbreaking to think that human instinct for so many has become a spectator’s sport instead of a desperation to help preserve human life.
Wow, this ended up being quite a long post. Apologies if you’re bored reading this but well done for making it to the end, I know it’s very different to my normal posts. But the important thing for me is to show both sides of travelling – the fun, exciting side and the scary side as well. Don’t take this as a warning not to travel to Adelaide – my friend said himself it’s the first time in his whole life that he has seen an incident like this there. As far as I’m concerned this could have happened anywhere in the world and it sounds much like what happened every Saturday night at home. But what really got to me was the way people just didn’t seem to care – don’t be that person.
I’m a bit of a romantic at heart, just like most girls I love being swept off my feet and can find something beautiful in the smallest gestures. When you’re travelling, it’s easy to be caught up in the romance of your very existence, the transient nature of your life brings romance to the simplest moments. With tropical temperatures, sandy beaches and stunning sunsets at every turn, Asia is the perfect setting for a travelling romance, while Australia provides the incredible landscape to get lost with your newfound love. Europe is just perfect for those warm summer evenings drinking wine together or exploring a city of culture, there’s romance of years gone by haunting the streets you walk. When you travel it’s easy to fall for people and to fall hard and fast, you get swept away by the romance, the freedom and the excitement of it all. Add in the ticking time limit of that plane ticket home and things can get pretty intense. The important thing for travelling girls to remember when things come to an end, is not to feel broken-hearted over the love you lost but to enjoy the memories of what you had. Every single perfect second of your time together whether it was just one night, a few weeks or months together. Those precious memories of your fleeting romance will stay with you in years to come and will shape your travelling stories.
When travelling I love meeting couples who met on the road, couples who have managed to make things work beyond travelling. I love seeing people in the grips of romance who cannot imagine a life without the person they just met two nights ago. It’s beautiful and pure, it’s love in it’s own right and even if it doesn’t last, it doesn’t mean you didn’t feel it at the time. I was lucky enough to meet an amazing couple who have become my very good friends, they met while volunteering together in South America and now several years later they have traveled the world together. In Thailand, I met an Australian girl who was crazy in love with an English guy and two years later they are still travelling the world together. It’s amazing when you hear these stories and so lovely to know that travel doesn’t have to stand in the way of finding love. But for every success story, there are a hundred stories of heartache and of lost loves – so for all of these, here is my list of the 10 romantic moments you need to experience when you are travelling:
Don’t get caught up in why it didn’t work, just make beautiful memories with that person and enjoy every moment of your time together. In twenty or thirty years would you rather remember bitter heartbreak from the guy you met on that beautiful Thai beach, or would you prefer to remember that night you held hands and watched the perfect sunset together?
Tell me about your most romantic travelling moments – what is your favourite memory? Which country holds the most romance for you?
First of all, I want to thank all my lovely readers for their messages and emails lately. Especially to those who have pushed me to publish this post – it was the hardest one to publish for a very long time. It’s amazing to get feedback on the posts I write and I feel honoured that so many of you come to me for advice on everything from travelling to relationships. It seems incredible to think this blog started out as a hobby and now it brings me close to people all over the world who are going through the same things, and who are inspired to do the same things I have been. One of my most popular posts has been drawing a lot of new readers to my blog lately and I’ve had a lot of requests to write more personal posts, it’s something I’ve shied away from for a while because although I’ve had a lot to write about, sometimes it is difficult to find the words. But one topic that comes up again and again is “how do you cope with heartbreak?” It’s ironic that this keeps coming up so often when I’ve just had a fresh wave of this to deal with, but when better to talk about it?
Having your heart broken hurts. There’s no getting away from it. Even if you try to squash it down and pretend it’s not happening, it always comes back and hits you with a fresh wave of pain. I remember being in such physical pain after I had my heart broken the first time, my heart actually ached and I couldn’t get away from it, I couldn’t get it out of my head. Now after this past week, I’m feeling that pain all over again and I remember how hard it was to cope with the first time. It’s that hopeless feeling when you know there’s nothing more you can do and you can’t help but blame yourself. Last time it was in no way my fault, I had no regrets, but this time I can’t help but feel I could have stopped this happening even though I’m sure that’s not true. Heartbreak makes you question everything you thought you knew, including yourself. I hate that, that feeling that you can’t trust your own decisions, that you should have done something to stop it happening. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced and there isn’t a painkiller strong enough to numb it. So right now, I’m officially worn out. My heart hurts and I’ve lost a lot of my fight and the excitement I had for life. But don’t worry, it’s not permanent – I’ve survived this before I sure as hell will again. I’m never one to mope for long and I’m already planning how I’m going to deal with this – two words, Bali & Australia!
One thing I’ve noticed about myself – and I’m not sure what this says about my psychology – is that when things like this happen, when a relationship breaks up or things don’t turn out the way I expect, my first instinct is to leave. When my nine-year relationship broke up and left me broken-hearted, my first thought was “I have to get out of here” and just like that, I booked a flight to the other side of the world. Just like now when I’ve just had my heart broken all over again and it’s pushed me to book those flights and get back out there. It’s an easy decision to head off into the unknown and I’m never scared at the prospect of travelling solo, let’s face it, it couldn’t be more painful than what I’m going through at home. It’s something I still love about being a backpacker, that if things don’t pan out – in relationships, work and life – then there was always the option to pack up and start again somewhere new. Perhaps that makes me sound flighty, or like I give in too easily, but I think actually it’s because I know when things are a lost cause. I know when I’m done.
I’ve come to realise over the years that I have a pretty good gut instinct and that I can always trust it when it comes to making decisions. I know we’re expected to stay and struggle through the hard times, that it will build character and something greater will come out of it in the long-run. Well I’ve done that, I’ve done it at work, in life, and in relationships. And yes, sometimes it is true, but also sometimes things are just lost for good and there is no saving them. The trouble is identifying whether there is anything left to fight for and knowing there is nothing wrong with just letting go. For me, I knew there was nothing left for me in my hometown both work-wise and relationship-wise so it was a no-brainer to start a new life somewhere else – it wasn’t running away, it was the best decision I ever made. Likewise now, I ended up booking my flights to Bali and then back to Australia and have less than a week until I leave, it’s not about escaping, it’s about going back to my real life after this tiny break.
My point is, we’re made to feel that running away is wrong and that it is lazy or cowardly to cut ties and leave. But actually, I think it can sometimes be the hardest and strongest decision to make. To be strong enough to cut a toxic friendship or relationship out of your life is hard and you’re brave for doing it. To cut and run from a job that is wearing you down is difficult and scary if you don’t have a back-up, but this is how some of the most successful people have built an empire. To pack up your life into a backpack and move to the other side of the world where you don’t know a single person is incredible. And for me, this was the biggest healer of all. Pushing myself far, far beyond the limits, taking myself out of my comfort zone and jumping in the deep end. Travel well and truly healed my heartbreak – it made me rely entirely on myself, it made me put my own happiness first, it taught me skills and scared me shitless. It brought countless new souls into my life – the kind of people that set my world alight and bring happiness into my world that I never knew existed. It gave me life-changing experiences that turned into stories, into memories that will last a lifetime. It gave me love, a much greater love for myself and for those around me.
Considering how much travel has given me, I don’t see it as running away to be leaving again. I see it as running towards the life I should be living. For those who have contacted me lately to ask how they can know whether they should choose a relationship or travel – I can’t tell you what to do. All I know is that travel has taught me more than any relationship ever has, it has introduced me to a life where I put myself first and where I’m driven by my needs, not empty wants. I may have less stuff than I have ever had, but my heart is fuller than ever and my head is full of thoughts that revolve around my passions, my ideas, my inspirations. Not about boys or worrying about others. It may sound selfish to some but after living for so many years always thinking of others before myself, it’s refreshing to really see the world laying just ahead of me. No baggage. No stress. This is what travel teaches you, this is what healed my heartbreak, realising that you can only live for yourself and not to keep others happy. And realising how short life is, and how huge the world is – that sure puts things in perspective for you.
Since having my heart broken I’ve traveled solo through 12 countries, covered three continents and am actually about to hit my 30th country. I’ve built a whole new career around a passion, I’ve sacrificed one phone, one camera and a lot of dignity. I’ve had epic wild nights out, long days at work, healed myself both inside and out on multiple occasions, nearly died three times, made so many incredible friends, been extremely badly behaved at times, and helped others through some pretty tough stuff, I even fell in love which I really didn’t think was possible. I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been and discovered what I’m capable of, and what I’m not, and although my favourite word will always be YES, I’ve not been afraid to say no. In fact, I’ve not been afraid of any damn thing because life is for living and I’m doing just that. I’m a completely different person to the girl who went away to Thailand two years ago, and I’ve never been happier or stronger. So don’t you try and tell me that travel isn’t the greatest healer for heartbreak – I know it has changed my world. Let’s just hope this time it will heal my heart as well as it did the last time.
Has travel helped heal your heartbreak? Tell me about your experiences. What are your best cures for a broken heart?
After writing last Friday’s post, I really got to thinking about my life now compared to a year ago and how happy I am. To put things in perspective, this time last year I was living it up in Thailand with a bunch of great mates and partying my arse off. Now, I’m writing this from my new home of Melbourne while my roommate snores his head off, and yet, I think over the last two weeks I’ve reached new levels of happiness I didn’t think were possible. So I decided to start a list, of all the moments I’ve had recently that have made me feel grateful to be alive and happy I made the decisions that have led me to this point. Because, if you read my last post – you’ll know that this Valentine’s Day I’m taking the time to celebrate being single, independent and the happiest with myself I’ve ever been. Forget giving out roses and chocolates, I’m taking the time to think about and be thankful for all the things that are giving me the rosy glow of happiness.
So what has made me realise i’m in love with my life?
So there we go, the 20 things that have helped me realise why I’m so in love with my life and if you ask me, that’s by far the most important love you will have. Whether you were in a relationship or not this Valentine’s, take a moment to think about whether you are happy with yourself and your life – its something that is so easily brushed over in the busy day-to-day. Why not take 15 minutes out of your day to make a list like this one about all the positive reasons you are in love with you life, and why you are happy with your lot. You might find that actually you have a lot more love for the way things have turned out than you think – or it might just highlight a change you know you need to make! Either way – take the time to love yourself, your life and everything in it.
Tell me what you love mot about your life – what are you most thankful for?
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I can’t help but remember just two years ago when I was crazy in love and whisked off my feet with all the hearts and roses that come with the holiday. A romantic dinner for two and a year later, who knew that I would spend my next Valentine’s Day at a Half Moon Party in Thailand more single than I had been in a decade, that two years on I would be preparing to spend the day at a festival with good friends. It’s amazing how much your life can change with your relationship status and it’s only been since I left my nine year relationship to come traveling that I have really noticed how much others really let their relationships rule their lives and their decisions. Even now, when I tell people I left behind such a long-term relationship to travel the world solo, they look at me incredulously and think I’m slightly crazy – but then I ask, wouldn’t it be crazier to put your dreams on hold and end up resenting the person you love the most? Begrudgingly they nod in agreement, but then you seem them do it again, and again, and again. Sacrificing their studies, their hobbies, their families and homes, all for a love that changes their world but not always for the better.
Two years ago, for Valentine’s, I wrote a blog post entitled “Relationships | What’s it really like to have a boyfriend at university?” which has still remained one of my most popular posts. It seems that the title of this post was something that several young women found themselves typing into Google as they tried to plan a future with their loves, tried to make a decision about their own education and future, and tried to keep the balance between what their head and heart were screaming. Over the last two years, this post has probably received the most comments and messages above all of my others, and it seems to be a bit of a hot topic for young ladies who are about to advance to this stage of their lives. Sixth Form and College is around the time when many young couples start pairing off and often you’ll find your first love, I certainly did. It’s a great time, when you’re learning what it’s like to first love another person, to be part of a real adult relationship and to be regarded as a “real” couple instead of foolish young teenagers. It’s easy for this love to take over your life a bit and we all went through that phase where we didn’t want to leave each others’ side, but then comes the pressures of university – whether you decide to go or not, often this can be the decider for whether many couples will survive. Often one half of the couple will have a longing to continue their studies as I did, while the other half will have a plan to either study elsewhere, or not at all. So what do you do when this happens?
So many girls have written to me explaining how worried they are that their relationship will not withstand the pressures of university and separation. I’ve had some asking whether I think they will make it when their other half already spends his time eying up other girls or flirting, I’ve had others ask whether the distance will be a problem, and I’ve had far too many asking whether I think they should change their lifelong university preference to attend the same school as their boyfriend. Something I want to make clear is that I have always been a very independent person, so has my ex-boyfriend and thats part of the reason we loved each other so much – we both trusted each other to give as much space as needed throughout the nine years and I think that’s why we were so happy throughout. When it came to me choosing my university and course, he had no input into my choice. I told him all about the universities I visited and about what my options were, but that was the extent of his influence. I made my choice of university based wholly on the course content, the campus, the people and the feeling of the place – from the moment I stepped on to the campus at University of Hertfordshire, I knew this was the place I had to spend the next three years of my life. Because that’s what it was – my life. Not his, although he was a huge part of my life after three years. But I knew that regardless of where I was, what I studied or how far apart we were, if we truly loved each other we would make it work. And if it didn’t work, I certainly didn’t want to be anywhere but my first choice of university.
The same happened when I came traveling – I made the decision separately that this was what I wanted to do, just like my other half decided he wanted to go to university to study. Independently we knew what was right for each of us, and mutually when we discussed it, we came to a decision that we both had to go our separate ways in order to be happy. Whether it was a permanent or temporary decision is another matter, but we both knew we had to do this otherwise we would end up resenting each other. It was easily the hardest decision of my life, but now, over a year after I left, I can tell you it was the best decision I ever made. Much like my choice of university, it has led me to one of the happiest times of my life, and yes, it does mean I’ve had to say goodbye to an incredible relationship but it also means I’ve chosen to invest in myself. Because being single doesn’t mean being lonely – if anything, since being single I’ve never been surrounded by such love, light and laughter, I’ve actually made some of the best friends and family of my life. So many seem to stay in a relationship because they are scared of the alternative, but what are you really afraid of – not having anyone’s shadow to stand in? I look around and see so many young women in relationships that make them feel insecure, afraid or unhappy, and I wonder why they stay. I’m entirely independent and alone at this point in my life and I’ve never felt stronger, braver or happier. Being single has made me fearless, given me incredible confidence and made me really value myself as an individual.
I’m not saying that every woman out there should go dump her boyfriend this Valentine’s Day (that would be a bit mean wouldn’t it?!), I’m just saying that it is important to celebrate being independent and single as well as celebrating retaining your individual identity when you’re in a relationship. Don’t be afraid to make independent decisions within a relationship, especially when it will have a huge impact on your own life. It’s easy to get swept up in coupledom, to let your loins take over your thought processes but don’t forget that when it comes to things like education and travel – these are things that change the way you view the life you live. If you already fear that the change will challenge your relationship beyond repair, then perhaps that relationship was not as strong as you first thought. But that’s okay, some people are destined to dip in and out of our lives gently influencing us along the way, while others exist to shake our worlds to the very core, changing and rebuilding them in ways we never expected. It’s easy to get them mixed up and sometimes a big change like university or travel is needed to show one from the other. But whichever type of relationship you have, it’s not as important as the one you have with yourself – that is the one you should be investing the real time, effort and love into, because its the only one you can guarantee will last for life.
How do you remain independent within your relationship? Can you think of a time when you have put yourself above the relationship? What have you sacrificed for love – and was it worth it?
Some friendships break at the first sign of trouble – perhaps a boy gets in the way, or the distance becomes too great, or it’s just not as easy peasy when you’re not in the same class at school together. What it comes down to is often laziness when your lives start taking you in opposite directions, a shame, but often it is the best way to cut down your friends to the ones who really deserve to be on your Christmas card list. I’m talking about the ones who will pick you up in the middle of the night when it all goes wrong, who will sit out with you until the sun comes out talking about life and setting the world to rights. Those soulmates that you know you just can’t live without, whose voices appear at the end of the telephone line at the slightest sniff of trouble and scream with excitement at any tiny piece of good news. They’re the ones you want around and they’re the ones who stick by you even when you make a life changing decision to jet off across the globe without any idea of when you will return.
I won’t lie to you, it’s not easy to maintain friendships and relationships over Skype and Whatsapp, many just won’t make it. But the world we live in makes it easier than ever to keep in touch and there really isn’t any excuse for not showing the people you love how you feel. Often I find friendships like these fall into one of two categories – there’s the ones you speak to all the time, whether it’s just a like or comment on a picture on Facebook, a long old chat on Whatsapp, or FaceTiming once a week to update each other on all the gossip. Then there’s the friendships that seem untouched by time, the people you don’t speak to for weeks, even months on end and yet you know that you could call on them any time of day for help, or even just a chat. Both types are just as important and I know my best friends fit into both of these categories and all of them are just as important to me while I’m out here, as I hope I am to them. When it comes to family, there’s nothing more important than letting them know you are safe and well, and for you to know the same about them. Trust me, if you’ve ever had drama while travelling or felt unsafe at any point, you’ll know the first thing you want to do is call home.
So how can you keep these friendships and relationships alive?
Compromise is key
They have to understand you are travelling and that you won’t always have good wifi or the time to be on the end of the phone or message 24/7, just like you have to understand that life at home goes on without you and that family and friends have lives and jobs too. Try and organise a time that suits both of you to Skype or message, that way everyone is happy.
Flexibility helps
Sometimes you just need to talk to the other person even though it’s the middle of the night, sometimes you’re upset or things have gone wrong, or you’re just plain homesick. Other times, your best mate’s cat might have died, or his girlfriend dumped him – perhaps they need to talk. Or there could be a family crisis that doesn’t fit in with your free time for skyping. Be flexible and open to talking when it doesn’t suit, it might be necessary.
Be honest
If something the other person has said or done has annoyed you, just come out with it. You know how they always say married couples shouldn’t go to bed on an argument? Well it’s the same principle even when you’re thousands of miles apart. Often they don’t even know you’re annoyed but just saying it out loud can ease the problem.
Make the effort
There’s no debating – relationships are built on the effort you make and the time and love you put into them, if you can’t be bothered to call and catch up or to listen to their problems every now and again then you can’t expect them to return the favour. Friendship and family are a two way thing, let down your end and you can’t be sure the other end will still work.
Don’t forget the small gestures
Sometimes it can just take a thoughtful tweet or Facebook message to make a person’s day, things like wishing them a “Happy World Elephant Day” because you know it will make them smile. Or sending them a message to say how proud of them you are for passing an exam or coping with something big by themselves – remember to do the small things.
Don’t go changing
Travel has a huge impact on your life and you can’t deny it changes your priorities, but don’t let it change who you are as a person. Remember the people who were with you from the start and don’t forget to value them even when you’re swept up in meeting new people and making new friends.
Have you lost touch with friends at home? What’s your preferred way of keeping in contact with friends and family? Do you prefer to message all the time or save it for a big catch up?
Getting your heart broken is never fun, whether you’re at school, you’re working full time or whether you’re off travelling the world – it hurts the same. What is different, is the way you deal with that pain. I remember the last time I had my heart broken in extraordinary detail, I remember every ache of my heart, every tear that threatened to spill down my cheeks, and every painful second of conversation as everyday life carried on around me. It was horrible, the worst pain I have every felt, because unlike a physical pain it wasn’t something I could escape from. I still had to get up and go to work every single day, I still had to see people and to force myself to do things when all I really wanted was to run away or hide under my duvet. It’s hard when you get your heart broken at home because you’re still in close quarters with the person who did it. Even if you’re not living together or right round the corner from each other – you’re acutely aware of their presence, of their routine and knowing you could bump into them at any time. It makes it harder in many ways because you feel like you can’t move on while they’re still around you, while every memory of what you had with them haunts your journey to work.
I’m lucky, it’s been a long time now since I had my heart broken, but what healed me was coming travelling. Escaping from my norm and going off in pursuit of the adventure I had been longing for all along. I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her heart broken and who is being left to travel solo as a result – she’s devastated, unsure of where to go next, or whether to even carry on, as you might expect. Talking to her about the situation inspired this post – it made me realise that so many of us travellers go through exactly the same. When you’re away travelling, you constantly feel like you’re on holiday and what comes with holidays? A holiday romance! It’s a natural fit and seems only right that it is so much easier to fall head over heels for someone new, exotic and exciting in the heat of the moment. There’s just something in the air that makes you fall a lot harder for people when you know that there is no pressure other than time pulling you in different directions. It’s a special feeling when you know that you actually have the complete freedom to follow your heart – that if you want to change all your travel plans because you fell in love, you actually can do it at the drop of a hat. You don’t get that in real life – back at home your alarm clock will always go off for work in the morning, distance will always be a problem and there will always be other demands on your time.
So say it all goes wrong and that guy, or girl, you’re crazy about just decides they have to go in the opposite direction, or they’re not quite ready to change their plans. What do you do? How do you get over the devastation? Here are my top tips for getting over travelling heartbreak:
Feel sad
Often travellers feel guilty for feeling sad when everyone says they should be having the time of their lives – but it’s no different to being at home. Feeling the sadness will allow you to move on quicker.
Look after yourself
If you have friends or family you can go and visit, go and do it! Allow them to look after you and give you the moral support you need – travelling solo doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone! If you can’t, spend a lot of time catching up with family and friends on FaceTime, and pamper yourself! Look after yourself until you feel better.
Throw yourself into something
Working, playing or planning usually works for me. Focusing on work and saving up for your next adventure can be good, or if you have some money saved, spend it on going out and having fun, make new friends and distract yourself. Or just start planning your next adventure.
Don’t give up
There will be times it all seems hopeless and you feel like packing it all in and going home to your mum – but you will regret it more than anything in the world. This is one of those character defining moments you will look back on and say, “that’s when I changed, that’s when I became stronger.”
Prepare for your escape
Plan to get out of wherever you are as soon as you have healed. This place will stay in your head as the place you recovered after having your heart broken, why not have a fresh start somewhere else and get ready to take on travelling solo. That’s the beauty of travelling, you’re not tied to any one place.
Arrive somewhere new
Feeling stronger, but still hesitant, you’re not sure you’re ready for the next step. But you are, I promise. Throw yourself into your new life, tell yourself you’re okay, tell yourself you’re more than okay. Eventually you will believe it and by then you will have a whole bunch of new friends, a whole new story to tell.
Look back and realise it all was worth it
Months later, you’ll suddenly realise you haven’t thought on that guy, or girl, for ages. For a second you’ll think back fondly on the memories as something reminds you. You’ll realise you really have moved on and will only look back with a smile on your face. That’s the traveller – he, or she, looks back with love in her heart on every person she meets, because they all helped shape the person she is and the memories she has made.
It might not feel like it now, but everyone recovers from a broken heart and comes out stronger on the other side – it takes time and it hurts like hell but it also helps you become the person you are. I’ve met so many people on my travels who were crazy in love with someone but sadly torn apart. I’ve met others who were crazy in love but their other half just didn’t feel the same way – it’s not easy But it happens. Just don’t let it stand in the way of your travels being the best they can be.
Have you been heartbroken while travelling? What are your top tips for dealing with heartbreak?
It’s been a funny few weeks – I won’t go into too many details but let’s just say a few things have happened lately that have really forced me to step up and act like an adult. It’s pretty easy when travelling to feel like you’re 18 and invincible, that nothing can touch you and that somehow you’re just evading all the bad things in life. Often you’re just so overwhelmed by the goodness and kindness of people that you wonder if you had them all wrong when you were back home working that 9-5 job and getting stressed out constantly by the behaviour of others. I’m not going to deny that bad things ever happen when you’re travelling, but to be honest they don’t very often – at least nowhere near as often as people warn you that they do. But when they do, it’s a shock, it brings you back down to earth with a bump after months of soaring along with your head in the clouds. Don’t worry, everyone, including myself are okay – if anything, I’m being a bit dramatic. Why? Well it all goes back to a conversation I had the other week with a friend about the situation, something she said really struck me and made me think.
When asked about life back at home, I told her that I don’t really get homesick – yes I miss the people, the moments and the history, but I don’t think I have once spent a day pining for home. I know some find homesickness a real problem when travelling and I’ve had friends who can be down for days on end if something sets off those feelings, but that’s just not me. I was never homesick when I went to university either, I think I’m just used to dealing with the feeling of being separate and I’m a very logical person who will always reason with herself that family and friends are always at the end of the phone. My friend, who does get homesick and has been missing home lately, commented on how independent I was and seemed surprised by it. Especially when she realised that I had travelled so far across the world by myself and was unafraid to tackle Asia and Australia solo. I’ve had this reaction multiple times since planning my travels and setting out – it’s something that just seems odd to me and perhaps highlights that it is still thought of as unusual for a young woman to be “brave” enough to be on her own and to be completely independent. Don’t worry – I’m not going to start quoting Beyoncé songs to you, but I do want to make the point that I think it is a huge compliment to say that someone is so very independent.
Independence is vastly underrated – whether is financial, emotional, physical or even mental, there is nothing more valuable than the ability to be on your own and still be happy. Too many people in this world are relying on the behaviour of others to make them happy, but wonder why they are always left disappointed. They don’t seem to appreciate that you have no control over the behaviour of others, ultimately if they want to mess you around or treat you badly, you can’t do anything about it except adjust your own attitude. I’ve forgiven people for some pretty horrid behaviour over the years and sometimes I’m asked why – I always respond, because it doesn’t have any impact on me beyond being upset. That person has to live with the knowledge of how they have treated me and my hating them for it will only make me unhappy and bitter – why would I want to introduce that unhappiness into my own life? As I said on my Facebook page the other day – not relying on others to make you happy is the greatest power of all. By being able to make yourself happy through fulfilling your own goals, setting your own challenges and comforting yourself in times of strife, you give yourself the key to happiness. Solo travel is a great way to learn that, but it’s something we should all learn in our own lives – other people can make your life better but only you can make it great.
Of course we need others to bring light into our lives in other ways – to put a smile on our face after a hard day, to crack a joke when we’re mad, or do thoughtful things, but what happens on the day when they aren’t there? You need to be able to build yourself back up instead of just expecting others to do it for you. I’ve always been a very independent person, but before coming travelling I was a lot more emotionally dependent on others. Travelling solo has given me the space and the time to get to know myself better, it has meant learning to look after myself when times are tough and boy, have they been tough sometimes. I remember being pulled out of a crashed minibus which was half buried in a ditch, I’d been thrown against the windscreen and would have gone through it if it weren’t for the driver grabbing hold of me. I stood on the side of the road with blood pouring from my legs, with a group of Cambodians who spoke barely any English, and remember thinking, I genuinely don’t know if I’ll make it out of this one. Being in a situation like that, being forced to look after yourself and to get yourself to safety in a city that is still a hundred miles away is quite a challenge. But I did it, and I’m a stronger person for it. Now I don’t want anyone to go through anything like that, but there are ways to teach yourself the value of independence without putting yourself in danger.
Just taking a tiny step outside your comfort zone and doing it all by yourself is the most valuable experience of all – it can mean disappearing off one day and exploring a place you’ve never been before, forcing yourself to eat out alone, dealing with something complicated all by yourself instead of seeking help from parents or a partner. All of these are things I do on a daily basis now – I love to eat out alone, I love the satisfaction of managing to deal with a problem completely by myself or turning up in a place where no-one knows me and no-one in the world knows where I am. Some people call that brave, I call it just living my life one step at a time and taking chances. So far it’s paid off better than I ever could have imagined and it could be the same for everyone. Being independent is one of the most empowering feelings I have ever known. Some say to love and be loved is the greatest thing of all, but I think that being brave enough to say “I got this shit” to yourself and to others every damn day and proving it again and again is the one to aim for. Don’t ever think independence is a lonely place – I’ve never been surrounded by and had the support of quite so many amazing people who I know love me and would do anything for me as I have lately – what brought us all together is the fact that we all kick ass independently.
Do you consider yourself independent? How else can we gain independence? When’s the last time you went off the grid?
People travel for all kinds of reasons, but often one that drives them to make the huge decision to go it alone is heartbreak. The desire to be independent and free after big changes in your personal life can be the perfect motivation to go and get lost in the wilderness somewhere and never return. Something that starts out as an escape from the harsh realities of life can soon blossom into something so incredible that you’ll never believe you haven’t been living like this all along. I’ve met so many people on my journey who had been forced to take a long hard look at the way they were living their lives after a long term relationship blew up in their faces. What really amazed me about it was how healing travelling could be for these situations – the combination of excitement, experience, culture and a reignited zest for life was the perfect way to get over heartbreak. Time passes so slowly and so quickly at the same time – simultaneously you will feel like you’ve been away for no time at all and yet so much will have happened, changed and affected you. It’s a perfect way to get over someone.
For those whose trips aren’t fuelled by the desire to escape the relationships dramas of back home, we all know the potential for a holiday romance is never higher than when you’re young, free, single and backpacking on an extended trip. We may flat out deny it to our friends back home but the idea of a little holiday romance is one we all fantasise about while lazing on golden sandy beaches, or while cruising over ocean waves in one of the most romantic settings in the world. When all you meet are interesting people with a story to tell, a spark in their soul and an adventure underway, it’s not surprising that most people seem to meet someone pretty amazing while on the road. I have actually met several couples since travelling who say they found each other along the way after setting out solo, fell madly in love and haven’t looked back since. But whether that moment lasts for a night, a few week or months, or a lifetime, each fling is as special as the last. Those romances teach us so much more than relationships at home because they push us out of our comfort zone, takes off the pressure of society’s eyes and gives us a freedom to be who we really wanted to be all along.
12 signs you’ve fallen in love while travelling:
This post was sponsored by Durex and if you liked this post, you’ll love this list of the Mediterannean’s top ten nudist beaches they created. Fancy something a little cheekier? Head to this one instead.
Have you fallen in love on your travels? Had a holiday romance that turned into something more?
All photos by Madeleine Ko.
As you read this, my travels will have already started and I thought it was important to write this post and share what has probably been the hardest part of my decision to leave. The first thing everyone has asked me upon finding out I was going travelling was “are you going with your boyfriend?”. When I replied no on each occasion, I saw the same surprised blank faces in front of me – particularly when I announced I was going it alone. I’m not sure why it is such a shock to people as I’ve always been quite an independent person – but clearly it seems quite odd to a lot of people that we would be able to go without each other for any length of time. To paint a picture for those who don’t know us, me and Wolfy have been together for well over eight years. We’ve survived all sorts, including me moving away for university for three years, and defied all those who said we’d never last or that we weren’t suited – amazingly there were a lot of people who felt that way. But we made it this far and we seem to be doing better than okay. So I can totally understand why people think “they love each other, therefore they must not be able to live without each other”.
Relationships always face difficulties at some point – a hurdle that pops up out of nowhere, whether a problem between the two of you, or interference from outside sources. But when you’ve been together as long as we have, and from as young an age, sometimes the problems that crop up are actually just dreams that pull you in opposite directions. We’ve all got dreams, big ideas and hopes for the things we want to achieve, see and do – but what happens when they clash with those of the one we love? Well we’re faced with a big decision about what to do. This is actually something that’s been playing on my mind a lot lately because I have a few friends who, although in slightly different situations, have struggled with similarly big decisions. I guess it is a common theme in our twenties that we will be faced with big choices over our relationships – our teens are the easy time, although they may not feel like it, when nothing really tests us other than ourselves. Even the separation of university is something that can be easy to live with because to an extent we still have a choice over distance and whether we want to go the distance. But by the time we hit our twenties, we are looking at careers, new homes, marriage and babies in some cases, and travel. There are so many more factors that will affects our relationships and we will be forced into difficult decisions.
I’m not the only one who has found this, I actually know several people who have found lately that they have had to choose one aspect of their life over another. One friend has chosen to move two-and-a-half hours away from all of her friends and family, leaving behind a job she had worked her way up to, in order to follow her boyfriend. He was moving to a much better job and she had to take a pay cut in order to be with him, but for her the decision was the right one for her because she loves him and wants to be with him. Now they are able to live together, instead of breaking up or living hours apart. A couple I know came to an end after the subject of travel was broached, they had been together for years but he didn’t want to travel and she passionately did – so they finished and she started planning her trip. I know of another couple who broke up because the guy wanted to settle down together, with big plans for marriage and babies, but she wanted to keep her freedom and to work on her career first, so they broke up and moved on. What do all of these couples have in common? They’re all in their twenties and their lives are ever changing and evolving – sometimes couples are on different wavelengths and that can mean different directions.
For me and Wolfy, I know that we are on the same wavelength but that after eight-and-a-half years we are being pulled in different directions. For me, I’m in a job that I just can’t do any longer and I’ve reached a point in my life where I want to experience something new. It was a choice between moving away for work or travelling, and that decision was a simple one for me. For Wolfy, he regrets not putting in the time and effort for his studies and has realised he needs a change of career, so for him, the move is to retake his A-levels and go to university. The timing for us isn’t great and we don’t want to be apart, but we also both realise that we have to follow our individual dreams in order to be happy together. Neither of us should have to put our individual dreams on hold at this age, surely we will only end up resenting each other if we try? I’m not saying it’s going to be easy – because I know it won’t be. Saying goodbye earlier this week was the hardest thing I have ever done. But for us, this isn’t a break up, more like hitting pause on things until we can resume play. We hope that it will be just six months until we are reunited in Australia – that might be naive on our part, or it might be a mature decision that works out really well. Either way, all we can do is hope that things work out for us. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason – I’m not always sure what that reason is but I know that it will all work out in the end. And I’m treating this just like that – it doesn’t mean being separated is any easier, but it does mean we can hope that if we are meant to be together that it will work out.
I’d love to hear your stories of when you’ve been forced to choose between love and your career, or family, or even travel, like I have. Did it work out for you? Or do you still regret the one that got away?
As you read this, I’m packing and getting ready to go to the airport for a wedding in Ireland with the boyfriend’s family. I’m so unbelievably excited about this wedding, there has been one every autumn for the last few years, but this is the last one for a while and it’s a very special one. This wedding is taking us to a tiny island in the centre of Waterford, where the wedding will take place in a castle! I visited the castle last September and it was just beautiful, like something out of a fairytale, and covered in trailing red flowers. Looking at it, I half expected Rapunzel to lean out of the turrets and pour down her golden hair. We’re actually staying on the island in lodges as well so we won’t have far to stumble back to bed after the wedding, but in true Irish style, the celebrations will continue for three days of partying, drinking, eating and being very merry. So, this post is all about celebrating the 10 things I love the most about Ireland, and what has kept me going back every autumn for the last few years.
THE PEOPLE
Everyone I have met in Ireland has been friendly, welcoming and has gone out of their way to make you feel at home. I wouldn’t want to generalise but if you walk down the street in England, you will be met with more frowns and grumpy faces than you can cope with, but in Ireland, everyone has always been happy to see me and chat. Everyone I have ever met on my visits has been warm and kind, plus quick to help if you are lots of need a recommendation. Plus, THAT accent gets me every time.
THE LANDSCAPE
Ireland is a beautiful country with everything to offer, inland there are rolling hills and lush green fields full of cows and sheep. On the coast there are stunning beaches, cute seaside towns and choppy waves. So many towns look like time forgot them and they still hold that quaint appeal in the tiny churches and hole-in-the-wall pubs with warm fires and great music.
THE FOOD
You guys know by now, I love my food and anywhere that can promise me a good meal is going high up in my estimations. Well Ireland certainly delivers, and particularly at last year’s wedding where we had some amazing freshly caught seafood in the coastal town where we were staying, and had the gorgeous prime Irish beef as the main wedding meal. Yum. Looking forward to seeing what food we’ll get this time!
THE PARTIES
Every single time we go to an Irish wedding it is a pretty legendary night – the last one saw us partying with the bride to an epic soundtrack she had picked herself and downing beers until the sun came up – the bride and groom actually carried on and yet still beat us to breakfast! Another one we went to was pretty manic and ended up with me locked out of the hotel room and having to bunk in with some cousins! These events always involve a lot of booze, dancing and fun so I’m sure I’ll have some tales to tell after this one!
THE FAMILY
I really love getting to spend time with the boyfriend’s extended family – my family, although big, are spread across the globe and we don’t often see each other. When we do, we are not particularly close, so it is lovely to spend time with a family who make such an effort to get together and to celebrate even the tiniest occasions. It is a lovely thing to be a part of and they do make me a big part of it. At this wedding, a member of the family will be travelling from South Africa to ordain the ceremony, and there are lots of others travelling from America.
THE HOLIDAY
As you guys know, I’ve been working constantly for a long time now and have been saving hard for backpacking in a few months, I haven’t really had a proper break because all my holiday time has been spent at festivals which are just as crazy! So this will be a nice relaxing break as well, a chance to regroup and get away from work for a bit. I have long needed a break – that’s for sure! Ireland is the perfect place for a break because although you feel a million miles away from home, it is super convenient to get to.
THE ACTIVITIES
Every time I’ve visited Ireland, we’ve had no end of fun things to do, see and try. Previously we’ve had big family meals, gone walking around the coast, watched family take part in a 10k run, taken the kids to the funfair, visited a monastery and family graves, and even gone to the races! This time, there is a big golfing game to join in and, obviously the wedding, but we also have a huge family do the day after at a well-known pub, which will give us lots of time to spend together. There’s so much to do!
Have you been to Ireland? What did you think of the country and what has made it a special place for you?
