
Moving to Germany – the biggest culture shock of my life
Moving to Germany. It didn’t seem such a big deal back at the start of the year when I decided it would be my next move. Surely it’s just like England, I thought. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Now I want to make it clear, I’m not saying that I don’t like my life here in Hamburg, but I think it’s important to talk about an issue that a lot of expats face when moving to Germany. With Brexit looming, I think it’s more important than ever to discuss the more negative side of moving abroad openly and honestly. Not to put people off, but instead to make sure you are more prepared than I was. For a long time, I thought perhaps it was just me facing some of these issues, until I started working for a company with fellow English expats. I also started to communicate more with expats from all over the world via Facebook groups for those who have moved to Germany and it’s really opened my eyes to the issues so many expats are facing.
Lately I’ve lost count of the number of people who have confided in me about their feelings of loneliness, of feeling lost and without purpose, and finding it hard to adjust to living here. These people have great jobs, families, friends, many of them even speak German and have German friends, but they feel like there is something missing. So many of those affected have traveled across the world, many of them solo like myself, and despite never facing problems in Asia, South America, Africa, even elsewhere in Europe, Germany has been a huge struggle. I want to emphasise that these are my experiences and those of expats who have contributed to this piece – I am not saying this is the experience of every expat who comes to Germany.
Honestly, moving to Germany has been the biggest culture shock of my life, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done and there’s no way I can sugarcoat that. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t made some incredible friends here, I’m surrounded by an amazing community of expats and I have a great job, but that doesn’t remove this feeling of displacement that lingers in the back of my mind.
Why has it been so hard?
German culture is astonishingly different to any I have experienced before. It’s funny, so much of Germany looks just like England, and yet the cultures couldn’t be any more different if they tried. Now don’t think I’m saying that I’m pining for English culture and expect everywhere to be just like the UK, it’s more that moving here has made me appreciate English culture in a whole new light. I like the fact that in the UK, we’re very involved, we help and support our community. We don’t shove people to the ground on our morning commute as I witnessed once, if a woman is struggling to a get a pram down the stairs, we stop to help her and most of all, we leave people alone to just be instead of staring or commenting. I’m not saying the UK isn’t without it’s own issues, but since moving to Germany, I’ve found the sense of detachment overwhelming. It shocks me to see how unfriendly some of the people here are, it breaks my heart to see how uninvolved they are, I’ve seen someone being attacked in the street and everyone around just carried on walking instead of stopping to help. If someone plays music on the train, even a split second before turning it off, they get told off by other passengers.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of wonderful things about German culture too, and not all people are like this. But I wanted to just touch on some of these incidents and how I feel they have shaped my experience of moving to Germany. More so than any country I have previously traveled or lived in, I feel that there is very much an “us and them” culture here, I feel I would be lost without my expat friends. Many of those who have now become some of my closest friends here in Hamburg have spoken about how hard it is to find friendships here that go beyond an acquaintance level, the sort of friendships you can call on any time of day and night. That so many expats are struggling with the complete lack of spontaneity of German culture, how they find even meeting for a beer has to be planned weeks in advance. I spoke to one German girl recently who said that after moving to China for several years, she still found returning to Germany to be the biggest culture shock of all.
How to deal with loneliness when moving to Germany
Out of every negative comes a positive, and the most important thing to remember when moving to Germany is that the experience is what you make it. If you wallow in loneliness and complain you have no friends but don’t actively reach out and take control of the situation, it will never improve. The same principle applies to everything in life, stop blaming those around you for something you can change. Here are my top tips for making friends and dealing with loneliness when moving to Germany:
Choose your job and neighbourhood wisely
This is so important when you first move over because it can really affect the first impressions you have of a place. I lived slightly south of the city where accommodation was cheaper with a partner, but I did live further away from all of my friends. If I was single, I never would have lived there, but having our own apartment made it worthwhile to save our money for other things. Likewise, for those moving on their own, it could be very isolating to live outside the city and make it much harder to make friends. Perhaps, if money allows, it would be best to choose a central and social neighbourhood. If you don’t like your area, remember it’s never too late to move!
When it comes to your job, it can be more difficult if you are limited on offers but make sure to find a job with community and with a supportive environment. I’m currently working in a great job, and while the pay is pretty rubbish, it has amazing community spirit and an entire staff of expats from all over the world. I work in the UK team and instantly had an amazing group of friends who have given me no end of support and friendship when I needed it most. If you’re not happy in your job or feel there could be more out there, why not start looking for a new position?
Join social groups
Play a sport? Join the hockey team. Love music or the arts? Join a society or amateur dramatics group. Miss meeting people and speaking English? Join a social networking group. There are so many options and just like anywhere else in the world, there will always be a group no matter what you’re passionate about. Can’t find what you’re looking for? Why not start a new club or get together with like-minded people and create your own community. Plus this is a great way to meet a range of people, I have friends who love hockey and joined teams where they have met lots of German friends which has helped them to feel more integrated.
Use social media
I honestly don’t think I would still be in Germany if it wasn’t for social media. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram have all helped form some of my greatest friendships since I moved to Hamburg. My best advice to anyone moving to Germany: join Facebook groups for expats, for those new to an area, try Girl Gone International – there’s a group for every city – or even Girls Love Travel. These groups have been lifesavers for me all over the world, but more so than ever since living in Hamburg. I got a job interview out of a casual chat on Facebook, I’ve attended events for expats in the city, I’ve made countless friends and connections. Most importantly, I really found my tribe, a few women who I know I can really rely on, who I can call on if things go wrong and I need help. My support network, and all because of a few lucky comments on Facebook posts or the odd message on Insta. Use social media for the reason it was really invented and see the world of good that can come from it.
Go to expat events
As I mentioned above, I have attended so many different events in Hamburg, from lunch dates to cocktail nights and even a taco night with some amazing women from all over the globe. By joining the Facebook groups, or even networking groups like Internations, you will be invited to a host of different events (I recommend the ones organised by Hamburg Girl Gone International Facebook group). These are so much fun and they’re a great way to meet like-minded people who know exactly what you’re going through and those who have similar interests.
Learn German
I will stress that you don’t have to speak German to thrive in Germany, but it does help. Part of these feelings of isolation and loneliness might come down to the fact that you can’t communicate as easily. One good way to combat that, try learning German. Don’t be that person who complains it’s not easy when you don’t even try to speak the language. You don’t have to be fluent to have a conversation. Perhaps your work offers German classes like mine, or you could do a night course, or even sign up for an intensive course before you start work. Can’t afford to do a course? There are other options, you could use apps like Duolingo or Memrise to learn the basics and then practice as much as you can with locals. Or even arrange a language tandem – there are lots of offers for these on the Facebook groups where you teach your native language in exchange for learning German.
Get Culture Smart! with this GIVEAWAY!
One thing that has really helped has been reading this book that was sent to me, Culture Smart! Germany. It’s a different kind of guide book, instead of focusing on the place and things to do, it takes a close look at the culture and all the things you should know if you are to really integrate when moving to Germany, or visiting. It’s such an interesting concept and I think it’s a really great read for anyone considering moving over here. While you may notice all these things about German culture once you arrive, you might not really know the reasons behind these cultural quirks. It’s interesting to learn the history behind them and the reason they are part of society, after all, education is the best way to acceptance. These guides focus on the rich human dimension of foreign travel and are designed to help readers get the most out of their time abroad through a deeper understanding of the local culture. They are pocket-sized and practical, and are written to help travelers navigate new and unfamiliar situations they are likely to encounter with confidence and sensitivity. If you would like to check out the book, or order a copy, visit the website.
Lucky for you guys, I’m actually hosting a giveaway for a copy of this book, the 100th edition of Culture Smart! You can enter by following me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and commenting on this post with why you think you should win the book! Closing date 30/11/18, enter by midnight to be in with a chance of winning!
Enjoying my posts on Germany? Check out these gems:
- Expat Life | A Guide to Moving to Hamburg
- The Ultimate Guide to Planning a Weekend City Break to Hamburg
Have you moved to Germany – what weird cultural differences did you find? What’s the biggest culture shock you’ve ever had? Would you like to move abroad?
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Anna Makridi
Really interesting and helpful post! Thanks for sharing!
LucyRuthnum
Thanks Anna! Glad it helped you!
robbarcruises
Very detailed observations
You now have social media while 20 years ago that was not really as well versed
Joining clubs is excellent
I have a friend who uses Skype to teach a refugee in Syria English while they await processing
To my mind it was love that caused you to make that leap in faith so your first support is your man but having all these other links provides more Contact’s
With the EU being a major link of no borders then it is natural to find so many expats.It was not like that years ago
Brexit will survive and you all will be fine
Think of yourself like the war brides of WW II who left for North America, Australia, New Zealand , anewcountry , a new culture and language
They too had to find like groups and support each other
Maybe find someone married and came to Germany to raise a family and talk to them for some tips
Stay true to yourself and do what is right
Rob
LucyRuthnum
Thanks Rob! Yes social media is a huge help when it comes to meeting people, honestly I don’t know what I would do without it! It is great to have my guy here, but in some ways it makes it difficult to meet people as we spend a lot of time together, it can sometimes make you less likely to reach oiut to others when you have a safety blanket.
Thanks for the tips and yes, always 🙂
Jelena Milic Ravnjak
Very open and honest article and very helpful I hope it will be for me.
LucyRuthnum
Thank you Jelena! I hope it helps you, let me know if you have any questions or want to discuss further!
Maxi Perten
I think that goes for moving abroad in general. I am a German who moved to the UK and I agree with everything she said, but the other way around. I would be lost without other expats, I still have almost no british friends because there is an “us and them”, I find people incredibly rude when commuting, it took almost 2 years until I did not feel lonely and isolated anymore, even though I had a really good job, lived in a vibrant part of the city and socialised a lot. I think people in Britain are not reliable at all and the healthcare is terrible… But all these thoughts, questioning yourself and the country and culture you moved to, finding things strange and rude and unreliable, these are all things that happen when two cultures (and also two sets of expectations) crash. It also seems to be a very universal experience, as all the expats I know say this, no matter if they moved from the UK to Germany, the other way around, came to the UK from Finland or Hong Kong, moved from Russia to Spain etc (these are all examples of friends in my circle that had the same experience).
LucyRuthnum
Hi Maxi, ahh it’s great to have a German expat opinion on this and I’m sad to hear you’ve experienced the same things in the UK – commuting is definitely the worst time to experience the human race no matter where you are! I think you’re right, it’s definitely something that happens when the values of two societies clash, but I have to say, after living all over the world, Germany is the only place I have experienced this. I really hope that you will find happiness in the UK and that eventually these feelings will fade xx
Melanie
Sounds like an amazing experience! Good job building a support system. That is so important.
LucyRuthnum
It really has been a rollercoater! Thanks so much, you’re right, it’s so vital to happiness!
Alison Haywood
I’ve been avoiding reading this because I thought it would be depressing, but I finally made myself read it all the way through and it hit closer to home than I thought 🙂 I studied German in high school and college, speak the language fluently, and have lived in Germany for a cumulative 4 years, and I still struggle with loneliness and adult friendships sometimes. I still haven’t discovered the secret as to how Germany make friends!
I’ve experienced my share of German rudeness at times as well: https://followingthewanderlust.com/2015/07/17/no-germans-arent-direct-sometimes-they-are-just-plain-rude/
When you’re feeling down and need to vent or just need a good laugh, the group “Grumpy Expats” on Facebook is great: https://www.facebook.com/grumpyexpats
It’s a very active group and I had to stop following it after a while because it was getting me down, but it is a totally safe place to get those expat problems out of your system, and some of the stuff people have to deal with is actually hilarious! Would highly recommend checking it out 🙂
LucyRuthnum
Ahhh I’m glad you finally read it Alison 🙂 I definitely know how you feel, Germany is a hard place to live, it can be isolating no matter how well you speak the language and how well you have settled in. I definitely didn’t manage to discover the secret to making German friends during my time there, but I’m glad to have made some great friends, yourself included. Thanks for sharing the links! I feel like Grumpy Expats would have been a lifesaver for me haha xx
Petra
It’s interesting reading about expat experience of UK person. I’ve been living in London for 4 years (I’m Czech) and I’ve never shaken off feeling of mis-placement. People are detached and rude and sense of “them and us” is very strong (especially at work, if you aren’t public school boy graduate, it’s hard to progress).
As you described your experience I couldn’t help but wonder- country you were missing and putting on pedestal was the same place causing me troubles (in identical fashion). I think it’s our perception – when you are living abroad you are hyper aware of your surroundings, you focus on negatives and you place yourself within those “them and us” groups.
It’s a state of mind, we should stop helping to create those stereotypes by idolising our home countries. It’s impossible to live up to standards and comfort of your home.
I’m thinking about moving to Germany. Uprooting your life is a scary thing (I’ve done it twice already), but more and more I think it’s important to focus on our own actions and don’t criticise our surroundings. If there is a lady struggling with a pram, help her, don’t make it into Britain vs Germany culture argument
LucyRuthnum
Hi Petra, thanks for commenting 🙂 likewise, it’s super interesting to hear what the opposite experience is like of being an expat in the UK. I’m so sad you’ve had this experience, however, I do think London is one of the hardest places to live in the UK and other more local, smaller areas are a lot friendlier and more welcoming.
It is interesting that you were struggling so much in a place where I find life so easy – it does go to show that there are so many factors involved with feelings of displacement and struggles adapting to a new home. However, as someone who has lived in various places around the world, I did feel a distinct difference living in Germany as opposed to anywhere else.
I wouldn’t say that I ever put the UK on a pedestal, more that I was able to notice the distinct differences between UK and German culture, that actually living in Germany really gave me an appreciation for British culture that I hadn’t really felt before. I’ve never idolised the UK, if anything I was excited to leave and to move to Germany, to learn a new language.
As someone who has spent over five years living abroad all over the world, I don’t criticise a place without having experienced considerable struggle along the way. Hamburg was the hardest place I have ever lived – and interestingly, I was not the only person to think so. This blog post was actually shared on several expat Facebook groups and led to me forming my own expat community of over 200 people who all felt very much the same and had shared similar experiences.
I’m more than happy to accept when I’m wrong, so if you happen to move to Hamburg and have a drastically different experience, I would love to hear about it 🙂 Either way, good luck with the move!